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This is a rush transcript from “Gutfeld!,” February 21, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Look at that. Look at all of these people. Oh, so happy, happy, happy people. Yes, baby. Yes. That’s right. Yes, we are awesome. We are awesome. Hello, America. Hello, America and United States of Texas. It’s great to be here. It’s great to be here. Yesterday we left New York City. What a relief. Leaving there for here. It’s like waking up from a bad dream.
It’s like going from the Texans to the Cowboys. You know what, I don’t even know what that means. I don’t know anything about sports. It’s like going from Joy Behar’s bed to anything that isn’t Joy Behar’s bed. I’d even — I’d even take a bed of nails. That I know. And thank you, by the way, for the gift basket. I’ve only been in Texas for one day and I already got an A.R.-15. Yes. Applauding an A.R.-15. I got an A.R.-15, a bible and Beto O’Rourke’s balls in a pickle jar.
That’s an applause line. I — I’m kidding. We all know Beto has no balls. Even Caitlyn Jenner would tell him to grow a pair. I don’t even get that joke. Remember when he said he was coming for your guns? And you said yeah, try it, Nancy. This guy couldn’t get a glue gun from an art teacher. And yet he wants to run for governor. That’s a joke. His odds of becoming governor are as good as Hunter Biden passing a drug test.
Originally, I had Kat’s name in there, but I realized Hunter’s funnier. But like Beto, right now the Democrats are running into a problem. Whether they want to admit it or not. America is more like Texas than it is like California or New York. That means — this monologue is going to take the whole show. That means Americans want an America that is more like America. And like our show, a lot of people come in here for that very same reason.
Especially from California, which makes sense. The U-hauls are headed in one direction and the apocalypse in the other. The state, California is home to the largest share of the country’s billionaires and also the highest poverty rate. They build walls around their mansions, but turn your backyards into truck stop bathrooms except with more poop. Which means it’s California goes to hell in a handbasket woven by progressives, the rich and powerful don’t care.
So, everyone in between has no choice but to leave for greener pastures. I can’t blame them. Everything in Texas is bigger and better. Even Kat has grown since she’s been here. Yes. She at least — I think she said at least five-three. But Texas had a better COVID response than New York did probably because your governor didn’t kill more grannies than a badly placed slip rug. If only those grandmas had been hotter, Cuomo might have kept them around.
That is disgusting. That is disgusting. So, here’s a comparison. Texas has no state income tax or inherited tax but California and New York have some of the highest in the nation, which means you, Texans, could have more money to spend on your kids and by kids, I mean firearms. In Texas — in Texas, the best college football team is named after a majestic impressive breed of cattle. In California, the best college football team is named after condoms.
In Texas — in Texas, you have the bustling new Tesla factory in the homebase of Elon Musk. In California, they have 39 empty cheesecake factories and a homeless guy living in front of each one. So, one state is building cars and the other makes people live in them. In Texas, you have to build a wall to protect the border. In New York we had to build a wall to protect women from our governor. In Texas, the state bird is the northern Mockingbird.
In New York, it’s a greasy pigeon with one eye and a human finger in his mouth. We call that the Doocy. In Texas you have Joe Rogan. In New York, they have CNN or what’s left of CNN. Everyday someone gets fired or arrested. They’re so low on employees. Check out their new office assistants.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Yes, they are — they’re so desperate at CNN, some employees have been forced to harass themselves. New York has Hillary Clinton. Texas does not have Hillary Clinton. Texas has rodeos, New York — New York has this. There you go. That’s what you call it New York rodeo. A rat with a slice of pizza. They both go well together with Deontay.in Texas — in Texas, you have real cowboys who speak politely and know how to handle their guns.
In California, they have Alec Baldwin. In Texas, a hoedown is a dance. And why bother? Why bother? All right. In New York City, it’s what a cop says over his radio with a hooker is passed out on your porch. Yes, and the two step — the two step is when you have to jump over a pile of street feces. Texas is known for its beautiful cattle. That’s kind of true in New York City. Yes. Talk about — talk about open mouth disease.
So, here in Texas, there’s a vast gulf between the residents in Mexico. In California, there’s a vast gulf between the governor’s ears. Here in Texas, you have the best barbecue in the world. And California, they put pineapples on pizza. That’s like putting a mustache on Miranda Lambert. She could pull it off. In California, they have decaf skinny soy no foam latte. In Texas, you have coffee and testosterone.
In California you have San Francisco. In Texas you don’t. In Texas, there are males and females. In California and NYC there’s just one new gender and it’s called loser. They use more hair dye than they do shampoo. In California in New York, you can smash and grab, in Texas you smash and grab, you drop and die. In California, the homeless can poop on your front lawn. Try that in Dallas and it’s the last poop you’ll ever take.
In Texas you produce heroes like Sam Houston and Davy Crockett. Yes. But, you know, California produced this guy. Yes. I was handsome. To California has Warner Brothers, Universal Studios and Paramount Pictures. But Texas has the Greg Gutfeld show. So, the difference is stark. It’s a reminder of who makes the country work and how those people make it possible for the other idiots to thrive.
You are the people who create a civil lawful society, a place where the idiots who make fun of you can live. Right now, you see how the press treats the truckers. That’s how they think of you. The truckers are a proxy for the typical non-journalist, non-media hardworking person, it’s you, your family, your states. So, this week we salute you Texas and the hard- working, fun-loving ass kicking Texans that you are. Let’s do this, America.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.
GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. You don’t mess with Texas and liberals don’t mess with her. Host of “OUTNUMBERED” and former White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany. He shopped only at the finest morgues. Host of “FOX ACROSS AMERICA,” Jimmy Failla. She thought a 10-gallon hat was for holding her vodka. Fox News Contributor, Kat Timpf. And finally, he’s so big he blocks the stars at night. My massive sidekick and the NWA World Television Champion, Tyrus.
I realized — Jimmy, I can still smell the dead hobo. You stole those boots from. You’re a New York City cab driver. So, you were exposed literally to all sorts of people. Aren’t — are the people better in Texas or am I just going for cheap applause?
JIMMY FAILLA, HOST, FOX ACROSS AMERICA: No. You’re absolutely not. Two quick things. I can’t even insult your outfit. I think you did a good job of shopping at your favorite store Forever Five-Foot One.
GUTFELD: Yes, fair enough.
FAILLA: But Texas is the America a lot of us grew up and they have freedom and Bucees. Everybody knows Bucees.
GUTFELD: There you go.
FAILLA: Bucky for real, Bucees is the only store in the world where you can get a club sandwich an air freshener for your car and a grenade launcher (INAUDIBLE) but this is why when you hear things about Beto for instance.
FAILLA: And they say like oh, Abbott’s beating Beto by seven points in the poll. It’s actually closer if you count the points on Beto’s license. Narrows it down a little bit.
GUTFELD: That was good.
FAILLA: That was — that was — it was you and me.
GUTFELD: Think about it.
FAILLA: That was you and me, it took a minute. But God’s honest truth is there’s a guy who talks on the radio here in Texas on KTVB and Tyler —
GUTFELD: All right. Yes, we go.
FAILLA: Thank you. OK. I will tell you that Texas is never turning blue after what Biden did in the border. That’s just how it works.
FAILLA: OK? Selling — seriously, selling Texans a Democrat after Biden is like selling Carnival cruises after Titanic. It’s kind of town.
GUTFELD: Kayleigh, always great to see you.
KAYLEIGH MCENANY, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Thank you, Greg.
GUTFELD: What are your thoughts about being — excited? Yes (INAUDIBLE)
MCENANY: Thank you. As you know, Greg, I’m a Floridian and I feel like you guys are my brethren here in Texas. I mean, really. Seriously, I can’t figure it out. We play the license plate game in Florida. We’re literally like I said, driving my car. I’m like, there we go. There’s Michigan and New York and New Jersey and it’s really fun. I’m sure you do that here. And I can’t figure it out. Greg.
Are Californians fleeing to Texas faster than the abuse staffers are fleeing Kamala’s office? I just don’t know.
GUTFELD: It’s true.
MCENANY: But I think the answer is yes.
GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. In Florida and Texas, you count license plates, in New York City you make them. See what I did there, Kat? It was really clever off the cuff stuff. You can learn a lot from me. You know — I’ll tell you right now, you know, that the CEO and the president of Fox is in this — in this audience. I won’t say where. What can you tell them to convince them to pick up Fox and leave and come here?
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Well, first of all, I want to thank you about making that comment about me being a douche bag in front of the President and CEO. Usually, I have to spend all this time worrying about whether she heard those things or not but now that I just know you’ve saved me so much time. So, I appreciate that. There’s a lot of things, there’s, you know, the freedom but also the big thing is that here, people do not hate us.
TIMPF: Which is nice. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. I’d love you too. See? It’s (INAUDIBLE) people like smile at you.
TIMPF: And that like deranged, perverted way where they’re laying on the street with their pants down surrounded by bags of drugs in New York. We got a lot of that.
TIMPF: But just like normal people that are happy to see us.
GUTFELD: Yes. So, Tyrus, the interesting thing about Texas, this is the only place where you actually look smaller.
TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Look, Gutfeld, just because Texas is the only place where a size 17 book can be bought off the shelf. There’s no reason for you to do (INAUDIBLE) attitude. So — and correction, the (INAUDIBLE) here has grown ass man. This is still — this is still a man country where you can open doors and get in the fight in a bar and still be friends by the time you go to church on Sunday. It’s all good. So, did you have a question?
GUTFELD: What are you planning to do this week besides the show, Tyrus?
TYRUS: Well, my week — well, first of all, I’m excited to spend my birthday in Texas today. Thank you so much. I’m not going to bring up that you forgot. Thank you, Kat, for your warm message. I really appreciate it. Gutfeld only work with you almost a decade but, you know, I guess it was just over your head.
GUTFELD: I don’t even — a lot of things are. I don’t even remember my birthday. Let’s be honest. Right?
TYRUS: Right. Because you don’t have a birthday of a birth week.
TYRUS: You send out invitations a month ahead of time.
TYRUS: But no, Texas is a great place and the one thing I would like to say to California because I was a grew up there, before I got the sense to get out. You’re welcome.
TYRUS: But leave that progressive crap over there.
GUTFELD: Exactly. All right. We got to go. Up next. Can the Democrats stay alive by running on hatred of 45?
GUTFELD: Is old Joe doomed without orange Godzilla in the room? Can a villain to replace Trump push old Joe over the hump? According to a report from Axios, the new site, not the flight attended I met in Tijuana. Does that work in Texas? President Biden’s advisers are looking for a substitute for President Trump, when they should really be looking for a substitute for President Biden.
They’re desperate for Republican foil they can elevate then compare Joe to in the hopes that voter’s side with the President. Apparently, ever since the Dems lost the Virginia governorship by making parents feel less welcome at schools than members of ISIS. There’s a feeling they can’t hold Congress in the midterms by focusing on out of office Trump or an office Biden. So, they want to bring other Republicans back into the phrase, targets.
Of course, some obvious names include the president of Florida, Ron DeSantis. And the President of turtles, Mitch McConnell. I keep expecting him to get bonked on a shell by the Super Mario Brothers. What do you think about that, Joe?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, no, no. No, no, man. Good night. That’s — we’re going to stick to it. That’s the old plan. I am not changing horses midstream. I ran against Trump. I’ll do it again. I don’t care if he’s running. There’s an old saying of my business. The — you dance with the one of brung you, will Trump run me? So, I’m going to dance with him. I mean, old school dance like Muhammad Ali.
You know, flows like a butterfly, sting like a bee sting. That’s it, Charlie Foxtrot, January 6, Charlottesville racism, sexism over now.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Yes. Kayleigh, I don’t — I don’t think they need Trump because the tradition for Democrats is to portray every Republican is evil. Remember how when Trump was president and suddenly, they loved Mitt Romney and G.W. Bush? Doesn’t even remember that they hated them too. They just — it doesn’t matter.
MCENANY: They did. But this is next level obsession. I mean, these people have a maniacal obsession with President Donald Trump. They just do. I mean, this guy, the guy we just watched, that’s basement boy. And the only way he wins is by having a foil. Well, guess what. You have a foil, Russia who’s running across Eastern Europe. You have a foil, the Taliban who just took over Afghanistan, who’s two countries in a year.
I mean, come on basement boy needs a foil? Who’s it going to be? I mean, they have an obsession with DeSantis too. We’ll see.
GUTFELD: What about you? Tyrus, what do you think? Is this a strategy? He’s like — it’s kind of like saying that Biden is like James Bond. The movie sucks if there’s no good villain. I like that analogy.
TYRUS: Did Adam Schiff write it? Dear sweet President Biden, you need somebody dumber than your behaviors with policy from the Republican side to make you look good. And I need a unicorn for my daughter to fly and when I get home tonight. Two things — I got a better shot at a unicorn coming in. They don’t get it, they’re not going to get. It doesn’t matter. You got rid of — you call them the orange Godzilla.
I think he probably like that.
TYRUS: You got rid of them. You took them off Twitter. You took them off social media. You wouldn’t have any 3:00 a.m. tweets telling me what’s wrong with yourself? So, the problems were over. So now that he was gone you have no — you’re like naked chicken wings. You have no flavor, no spices and everybody cannot wait to cover you with something new.
GUTFELD: That is an amazing — there’s nothing — there’s nothing more pathetic than naked chicken wings. And you’re right. Joe Biden —
GUTFELD: The naked chicken wing of presidents. He was supposed to be calm, Kat. We were told that when we got rid of evil tweeter, we were going to have a kind of gentle like, you know, grandpa Walton, instead we got like you know Freddy Krueger on depends.
TIMPF: Yes. And — but they still don’t really have a strategy because this whole article was about how they know that you to stop talking about Trump. And I love the woman, they quoted this woman who said we’re not — we know we can’t talk about Trump anymore so we’re going to shift and talk about MAGA.
TIMPF: I’m pretty sure that’s his thing. It’s like, you know like a — like girls do that but they’re like, I’m going to stop — I’m stopping talking about my ex. I’m over it. But instead of just saying that to themselves, they like post that that on the internet. Like, who is that for? Like, it’s obviously directed at him. So, they know they’re obsessed. But that doesn’t mean they’ve been able to stop it or know how to fix it or stop obsessing over it.
GUTFELD: No, it’s true. They can’t — it really is. They are totally Brokeback Mountain with Trump. They can’t — they can’t — they can’t quit him. They can’t quit him. I don’t know which one is which though. I don’t know which one is that guy or the other guy. All I know is no, they’re looking for a Trump substitute. And Jimmy, you’re our comedy substitute.
FAILLA: Hey, girl.
GUTFELD: Who should be their Trump alternative? You notice that they kind of went after Joe Rogan for a while because they could insert him in any story, right? Joe Rogan was like their like — yes, their next.
FAILLA: I can’t — by the way, I can’t even come back at all your attack because I don’t want to get uninvited from your birthday party at Chucky Cheese. I like it there. I love you so much. You know I do. Here’s the real problem with Biden, OK? He wanted this gig his whole life.
FAILLA: He wanted his whole life. But now he got the gig. He has to do the gig. And it’s clear to everybody watching, he can’t do the gig.
FAILLA: Like Joe Biden is the only person we know who quits talking in the middle of a sentence because he’s done.
FAILLA: OK? Yes.
GUTFELD: That’s good.
GUTFELD: That’s good.
FAILLA: We’re not mean for saying that. We’re just pointing out the obvious. This dude is sending in the punk team on second down, OK? You’re not supposed to do that. In any other generation, you take away his car keys. We gave him the nuclear codes. But here’s the thing. Really, really quick. OK? The rules of the whole scam was that we said, what? Are we in Trump? The party needs new blood. They literally met new blood is in transfusion.
You know what I’m saying? And this is depressing. We have this doddering old man in his late hundreds. No one takes this serious. People say they wish we had Donald Trump. I would take Baron Trump at this point.
FAILLA: I would take Tiffany —
GUTFELD: Thank you. I will take Tiffany Trump. Yes. But you know the Gup side about this as at least we don’t have any international threats going on. So, I’m (INAUDIBLE) all right. Up next. It’s past time the mask promoters listen to science and the voters.
ANNOUNCER: “PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS END.”
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: School board members won’t tolerate debate while kids in masks suffocate. And so, her mask speech at the meeting had the school board retreating. A mother in Virginia, aren’t they all, recently called out the school board for not supporting a state law curtailing masks in school, like they were a criminal or a district attorney. She specifically took the board chair to task over her mask, or lack thereof, while making children wear face diapers. Behold her mic drop.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Ms. Cass, you also yelled at me the last time I was here for taking off my mask. Here’s a picture of you. Right here on Facebook with a crowd of people. That’s it, with no mask on. This is my time and I don’t interrupt you. Here’s another picture with you with no mask on.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I’m sorry, Ms. Vaughn, you are done. If you are going to sit there and disparage a member of our school board. Then, you can sit down.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: That’s my family. That is out, then fine.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What are you talking about our family.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I am not.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Our family has been suffocating.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I’m done.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Wow. There she goes. You know, that reminds me of marriage. Anyway, the school board member walked out as you could tell after being called out. Now, the United States is one of a handful of countries in the western world still recommending children wear masks in school settings, even though they’re as ineffective as Brian Stelter’s belt.
Even the Netherlands, which sounds like a euphemism for butts got rid of the mandates, if only they could do the same with those stupid wooden shoes. Meanwhile, Queen Elizabeth, whoever that is, has COVID but will continue light duties according to the palace, whereas Joe Biden will continue like duties in his pants. Tyrus, could you please, could you please go to a school board meeting? Just once.
TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I don’t need to go to a damn school board. She handled it. I mean, it’s sad that you can’t tell her to the school board meeting a Maury Povich anymore, but I mean, she had — we have the DNA. You are the (BLEEP) about the mask, and she — how dare you show pictures and factual events of me being a hypocrite in front of my people. And I’m going to walk out because that’s going to make it go away.
TYRUS: The only thing that she did wrong was as she walked by her, she should have said, you know, you’re still not wearing your mask. That’s what I would have said.
GUTFELD: Kat, theory, masking up is now an integral part of the identity of a liberal. If you’re a liberal, you’d say you’re, you’re a climate change activist. You might be into veganism. You might be anti — say, that you’re anti-racist, critical — you have all of these boxes you tick. They’re adding a new one, and it’s going to be there permanently, which is pro- masking, right?
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes.
GUTFELD: Isn’t it weird?
TIMPF: But if they want to, they should.
TIMPF: I don’t want to. I’m done with it. And this woman in the school board was just also very stupid.
TIMPF: Because she actually attacked this woman for saying, and you’re showing pictures of my family in this meeting? That she got off of Facebook.
TIMPF: She didn’t share them, you did. You did — she put it, she shared it in a room full of four people, you share them with the Internet.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. How dare you? All right. Jimmy, Jimmy, I don’t get why people who don’t masks are clearly OK with the option. The pro-maskers don’t — they want everybody to do it?
JIMMY FAILLA, COMEDIAN: Well, that’s the thing. Like, if you think the mask works, right, you think it works. Shut the (BLEEP) about mine, you know what I mean? I’m sorry, but if it works, if it works, like listen, like, like, I mean it, like — to take it there, you don’t put on a condom, and hope the guy in the apartment down the hall wears one too or she’s going to get pregnant. I’m just saying.
GUTFELD: Kayleigh, Kayleigh, cover your ears. You’re not supposed to hear this.
FAILLA: Yes, Kayleigh. I know —
KAYLEIGH MCENANY, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: I know.
FAILLA: Extra, extra bible class for McEnany this week, and I apologize. But hold on a second because I never covered the story without saying it out loud as a parent, masking kids is child abuse. It’s child abuse. It shouldn’t happen. It’s crazy. It’s child abuse.
And anyway, it drives me crazy. And I have, I have one kid the state would never let us have two. Never. They saw, they saw the first report card, they were like: adopt a dog. But these people, and I’m making a very serious point. These people say, that if we don’t want to mask kids, we’re being cavalier with the health of children. They’re the ones being cavaliers.
FAILLA: For screwing kids up.
GUTFELD: All right. Last word to you, Kayleigh.
MCENANY: I mean, it just doesn’t make sense. Like this week. There’s a guy apparently on Allegiant Airlines, and he was wearing a “Let’s Go Brandon” mask, and like, they were upset the way the mask looked. And said, remove the mask and then remove him from the airplane. It’s all comes down to you cannot question the gods of COVID-19. Look, I worked with St. Dr. Anthony Fauci, the guy never met a camera he didn’t like. COVID-19 ends the masking, Dr. Fauci goes away, that’s what it all comes down to.
GUTFELD: The big story, the big story, who knew there was an Allegiant Airlines? I (INAUDIBLE), what is that?
TYRUS: They (INAUDIBLE) next to Spirit.
GUTFELD: They (INAUDIBLE) next to Spirit? And you know what’s weird is they don’t fly, they just drive there. They just drive. The plane just takes the highway. They’d just spit on me.
FAILLA: You know you’re on a bad airline when the pilot asks you for money for gas and tolls.
GUTFELD: We got to move on. Coming up, crime doesn’t pay when angry moms stand in the way.
GUTFELD: It’s homemakers throwing haymakers when thugs have qualms with tiger moms, which means it’s time for —
ANNOUNCER: “WHEN MOMS ATTACK.”
GUTFELD: A Chicago man, my least favorite kind, charged with armed robbery, was dragged into the police station by his mother after she recognized him in surveillance photos released by the cops. The man allegedly pulled a gun and stole 100 bucks from a train conductor, train robberies, but his lawyers argue that he was just looking for something to eat.
Yes, but like Kat’s assertions that those mushrooms are medicinal, I don’t think it makes it legal. Meanwhile, in New York, another random attack this time it happens so often that random has become routine. This time a 4- year-old boy in Times Square punched in the head by a nutcase with a history of violence against strangers. And no, it wasn’t Brian Kilmeade.
And once again its moms to the rescue. The boy’s mother tackled the psychopath, two other women to aid in. (INAUDIBLE) kept him pinned down until cops arrived. Meanwhile, those guys in Times Square dressed as superheroes completely useless. Tyrus, your mom — would your mom do that?
TYRUS: My mom did it. You know what’s so cool about this was because when I was growing up, you made a mistake, you didn’t get the woman from your mom, you got a woman from your friend’s mom but you got to ask with an all the way down the street. What, what, what the woke and the progressives did not count on, they took down men. They took down gender they took down all this stuff. And they woke this beast that don’t take from nobody and it’s called mama. Good luck.
GUTFELD: Jimmy, I know that it was hard in foster care watching all those children get adopted except for you. But should mothers rat on their kids?
FAILLA: Ah, Sicilian moms, no. I’m Italian, are you kidding me? My mom would never rat. She’d do life in prison, you know what I mean? What I love about the Time Square story is the headline called him an unhinged man who kicked a 4-year-old and attacked a cop as if they were hinged men.
FAILLA: Picking 4-year-old, and attacking cops. But we have to take crime more seriously is the bigger takeaway for me.
FAILLA: You know, just look where we live in New York, shootings are like up 900 percent. Now to be fair, half of them are Jets fans who shot themselves. But the point is, there is — to Tyrus this point, they have woke the wrong people.
FAILLA: Moms, they don’t stop, and I respect that.
GUTFELD: Yes, we need more angry moms Kayleigh, when are you getting angry?
MCENANY: Look, I am angry. I have a 2-year-old.
GUTFELD: I want you to get violent. I want you to throw things.
MCENANY: I, maybe I will, I have a 2-year-old, named Baby Blake. I just got off the phone with her. Apparently, she ate goose tenderloin when mom was out of town that my husband killed over the weekend. So, yes, anyway, that aside, I’m a mom. You defund the police? Mama’s showing up to protect her baby.
GUTFELD: Yes. Kat, last word to you.
TIMPF: Yes, I just think that the excuses that they make for not, you know, taking violent crime seriously are ridiculous. Like this armed robbery, there — well, think about what it’s like to be a, you know, a broke college student. Like, it’s like yes, but my solution was like less armed robbery and more like cup of noodles. Like, that’s not normal.
FAILLA: If you’re desperate for food, why do you rob a train? Rob a store, where they have food.
TIMPF: Train conductor? Yes.
FAILLA: It’s inefficient.
GUTFELD: We really are going back in time. I thought we were going back to the 1970s but now we have train robberies. It’s the 1870s. We are now back in the 1870s. All right. We got to, we got to go. Coming up, comedian Jamie Lissow will perform. Don’t go anywhere.
GUTFELD: Welcome back, this is usually the part of the show where we discuss studies that make no sense. Frankly, we’re mailing it in, but instead we’re going to showcase Alaska’s most famous comedian. Alaska’s only comedian. Give a big round of applause for our friend, Jamie Lissow.
JAMIE LISSOW, COMEDIAN: Oh, man, that’s so true what Greg just said. I was at the bar and this guy goes, what’s the comedy scene like in Alaska? And I go, you’re, you’re talking to it. This is the whole thing inside my shirt. Do we — I travel all over doing comedy and it’s fun to watch how different states respond to the pandemic and I just wanted to give some props. I like how in Texas you guys went, hey, you know this whole COVID thing, we’re going to, we’re going to (BLEEP) skip it.
You guys did it. I was so excited to be — I was like nervous and excited. I got here super early because I’m always worried about where to park. That’s me right there, it’s my truck. Try to tow it, you’ll kill people. Staying right there. Ah COVID really made comedy tough though, man. It was weird. Even the shows we did have were bizarre. Like, I saw this one performer. The entire time he was on stage, he wore a mask. Yes, it just kind of ruined it. You know, he was a ventriloquist, or was he?
It just feels free here, though. It feels free. I was in an Uber and I go to this guy is just the vibe is different. You know, I guess you guys aren’t social distancing. And you’re not like wearing masks anymore. And the guy goes, No, dude, we’re not afraid. You know, and I believe because I was sitting on his lap, and yes, facing him. I go this guy doesn’t care man. He’s a nice guy, he’s into it.
I’m going to be totally honest. I get intimidated sometimes being in Texas because there’s like a lot of real men here, you know? And, and I don’t know if you can tell by looking at me, but I’m not exactly like what you would call a like a man’s man. I’m not even really what you would call like a woman’s man.
I went to the doctor once I thought something was wrong in that go do could you like do some testing? I feel like I don’t have a lot of like the guy tendencies. I don’t hunt or fight or anything. And the doctor was yes, we could do like a testosterone thing. We can figure it out for you. She comes back like a half hour later. He’s got a clipboard. And he looks very serious. And he goes, I’m glad you came in today, man. Because it turns out, you are what’s known as a huge (BLEEP).
And I go, come on, there’s no way that’s an actual diagnosis. And the guy goes, OK, you got me. It’s not an actual diagnosis. But I knew I could call you that, and you wouldn’t do anything — based on the testing.
Oh, man, but it’s good. It’s like — we, I have. So, I’m a married guy. I have three children. And sometimes people will say, Jamie, do you have a favorite kid? Which if there’s parents out there, you guys know you’re not supposed to, you know, I have one. I’ll just tell you, it’s my neighbor’s kid. You guys, he’s just adorable. I got a picture up on my phone here. So, I am divorced.
And I — but I don’t feel like it has to be a negative thing. You know, if you’re out there and you’re in love, I hope you stay together forever, and stay in love. But I do feel like I have to tell you, for anybody that’s kind of like on the fence. Um, you get it feels pretty good over here on this side. Yes, I can explain. Here’s a way to know if you should get divorced if people start telling you negative things about divorce, and none of it sounds that bad. But these are negatives, these are the negative things.
My friend goes, dude, you can’t get divorced man. You’re going to have to move at your house and live alone in a crappy apartment. I go, dude, when is the soonest we could do something like that? I don’t think the lady, that lady likes me that I live with. He goes, yes, but dude, you’re only going to be able to see your kids on the weekends. I know that sounds amazing too, to be honest with you. Oh my god, I love these kids. But I don’t want to take him to school. It’s a pain in the ass. I want those, I want those fun dad weekends. You got any more bad news?
People do not know how to react when you tell me getting divorce. I’m like very happy. My ex-wife is very happy. She’s a cool chick. My friends didn’t know what to say. I was married for 16 years. And a year before that, we met. That’s a long time. And my friend goes dude, he goes I’m excited for you. Because now you’re going to be able to go out there into the world and get some strange, which does sound kind of exciting because to tell you guys the God’s honest truth, I wasn’t even getting any familiar.
That’s the kind you’re legally supposed to get. Do you know what I mean? But what I want — OK listen I’d love you to check out I have a show on Netflix with Rob Schneider, it’s called The Real Robin. I’m real proud of it and we tour together and stuff and it’s just sometimes I don’t want people to think like that like all I do is write off the success of Rob Schneider. It’s a lot of what I do. But I also have stuff I do completely on my own. If you guys like my comedy, you want to check out things that are completely separately, please check out my Web site, it’s RobSchneidersFriend.com, you can go on there and just check it out.
My name is Jamie. Nice to see you guys!
GUTFELD: Awesome. Jamie Lissow, everyone. He’s a funny guy. Don’t go away. We’ll be right back.
GUTFELD: We are out of time. Thank you, Dallas: Jamie Lissow, Kayleigh McEnany, Jimmy Failla, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, and our Dallas audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I love you, America.
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