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This is a rush transcript of “Gutfeld!” on February 22, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Delicious. Delicious broadcast. Glorious, glorious, yes. All right. Happy glorious, Tuesday. All right. It’s our second night, our second night in Dallas and it’s even better so far than the first. And it’s not because Kat finally bathed or that Tyrus shaved my back. I want to thank you for that by the way.
TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I’ll skin you later.
GUTFELD: We have a great crew tonight. Laura Trump is here. Fresh from the maskless Republic of Florida. Why would anyone want to cover that face? I understand The View wanting to mask up but not her. And Jamie Lissow has joined us from Anchorage. He can’t — he can’t see Russia from his house in Alaska, because his wife got it in the divorce. So mean. That was so — I feel even bad making that joke. Tyrus.
JAMIE LISSOW, COMEDIAN: That was the best one ever.
GUTFELD: Thank you. Tyrus is with us. He went out to dinner last night to celebrate his birthday. When he blew out the candles, everyone in the restaurant got third degree burns. How dare you laugh at the suffering of others? So, speaking up lots of crazy stuff going around on the world and really, it’s not fair to President Biden, or the Democrats for that matter. You see, after Trump, things were supposed to get really easy, right?
The only thing that Democrats had to do was make sure Trump was out of the picture that everything was going to be all right. There would be rainbows and daffodils and sunshine and unicorns. I think I’m describing the sheets on Beto O’Rourke’s bed. Not that I know. It was supposed to be returned to normalcy. You know, if you think it’s normal to sniff children’s hair.
In short, they didn’t have to do anything. Something they’re usually great at. So, imagine the surprise when Trump left massive problems arise that didn’t exist when Trump was around. And I’m not just talking about Joe’s word salads or Pete Buttigieg knocked up. He’s going to be a great mom. We’re talking the biggest inflation in 40 years, right? The highest crime since the 70s and not the 1970s but 1570s.
I just saw a guy hold up a CVS with a crossbow. If they start burning witches, we’ll never see Nancy Pelosi again. Oh. Red meat. Now like Joe’s diaper rash, bad stuff is breaking out all over. In Ukraine, Putin moves troops into the Donetsk’ People’s Republic, which sounds like Ben and Jerry’s flavor (INAUDIBLE) Here’s a reaction on a Russian political show we call Beat The Press.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: It’s like a smarter version of The View. So, look, I know we should be concerned. But I’d be lying if I knew what the hell is going on. Right? I’m married to a Russian. And I know nothing. She’s not even sure. I asked her hey, what’s going on in Ukraine? And she says very pretty bird. All right. Anyway, so I asked my wife about Ukraine. She doesn’t know anything. I said why don’t you know anything? She says mind your own business that she moves tanks into our spare bedroom.
And declared it the People’s Republic of Do Your Own Laundry Stan. One thing I know, I don’t trust anyone who claims to know what’s going on or what to do, right? Especially, Mr. Magoo at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. I honestly don’t trust anyone who cites territories, like Donbass is if they knew what it was an hour ago. It’s like the guy who watches an earlier airing of Jeopardy and then pretends to know all the answers.
You know, when the repeat comes on, Tyrus. So, that’s cable news and network news. They read one article and suddenly they’re the experts. But you’d learn more from a segment on Chicken Kiev on the Food Network. The funniest part, Russia took Crimea when Obama was president, and now occupies Ukraine with Joe in charge. Putin hopes Kamala wins in 2024 so, he can take Pittsburgh.
When Trump was president, Putin did none of this. And it makes me wonder if this is causing anyone at CNN to reconsider their belief that Donald Trump was under the thumb of Russia. I doubt it. They’re too busy with Brian Stelter’s hourly feedings. You know, it’s so cute when they throw the fish in the air and he catches them. Who knew you could train him? But we were promised so many things, right? Remember this Biden classic?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Putin knows if I am president of the United States his days of tyranny and trying to intimidate the United States and those in Eastern Europe are over. I’m going to stand up to him. He’s a bully.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: OK. Cruise the ship, greeter. At that age, that as well as Pelosi’s last eyebrow lift. Remember the good old days when we — remember the good old days where we didn’t know what Joe was saying but it didn’t matter? Now it does matter. And Joe doesn’t know what the hell he’s saying. Fact is, Ukraine sucks, but it’s not a top 10 crisis plaguing America. Crack people are in more danger at a weekend barbecue in Chicago.
Again, we got inflation, crime, the border and I mean Canada’s. We should roll our tanks in and liberate Ottawa. Yes. I didn’t know. That we could — we could make them part of the People’s Republic of Vermont. One nation under maple syrup. I use it on my skin for youthful glow. And if there’s any leftover Jesse Watters buys it from me and uses it for hair gel. Well, let’s not forget the border down south.
If it were any leakier, it would be Joe’s bladder. Too easy. But maybe Biden wants us to focus on Ukraine because he realizes he can’t do a worse job with that country than he’s done with ours. Although by sending Kamala there, he sure making a run for it. I call her a disaster. But that would be an insult to the Galveston Hurricane of 1900. But really, let’s really take a moment to understand the significance of what we’re talking about.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
KAMALA HARRIS, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: And let’s really take a moment to understand the significance of what we’re talking about. It’s been over 70 years. And through those 70 years, as I mentioned yesterday, there has been peace and security. We are talking about the real possibility of war in Europe.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Yes. I have no problem sending Kamala to a war zone. The problem is we keep taking her back. I kid. It’s no wonder the Dems predict a blowout in the midterms. All of their lies of a post-Trump Utopia turned into a woke reality, dystopian chaos where crime rises, inflation explodes and somehow, we end up in war. You know, all of the things they said would happen under Trump. These people are more wrong than a shirtless selfie of Geraldo.
Yes. Huh? I wanted to whet your whistle with that one. Delicious, but I guess that’s Trump’s fault, too, right? How soon before the Dems say that? Hey, it’s not our fault. We won. You guys shouldn’t have let us cheat. Next time, we’ll let you guys count the votes. I wonder what Joe has to say about that.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: No, no, no. Look, look, I’m not — I’m not playing around. Putin knows I’m serious, right? I’m not playing Russian roulette in a game where they spin the wheel and you have to take off your clothes. I don’t do that. He takes his shirt off not me and we’re one for one, me and him, all right? He got Crimea I got corn pop. Yes, yes. Who’s talking now?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.
GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. She’s so (INAUDIBLE) Beto O’Rourke promised to take her guns. Fox News Contributor, Lara Trump. His Alaskans act puts audiences into hibernation, actor, writer and comedian, Jamie Lissow. You know, because her grandparents are in the audience, I won’t mention her debilitating drug habit or crippling alcoholism. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf.
Finally, they open the roof at AT&T Stadium to give him a head room, my massive sidekick in the NWA World Television Champion, Tyrus.
So, Lara, let’s talk about your father-in-law. Your father-in-law was supposed to cause all of these things.
LARA TRUMP, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes.
GUTFELD: And it didn’t happen. And now Biden’s doing it and they’re going to find a way to blame Trump though.
TRUMP: Well, they certainly try every turn possible. But I think we know that when Donald Trump was in office, we were respected around the world. Believe me, Vladimir Putin would not be trying to mess with Donald Trump. I mean, we were having trade talks with China. We had agreement signed all across the world. We were respected all of it under President Donald Trump. But you’re right, Greg, everything they said Donald Trump would do.
Joe Biden is doing. So yes, a lot of buyer’s remorse out there, I’m sure. But isn’t it funny? 81 million people have never been this quiet.
GUTFELD: I know. Where are they by the way?
TRUMP: Where are they? Shocking.
GUTFELD: You know, if he did — if Biden is doing what they accuse Trump of, they should try to pretend that it’s Trump’s second term. That almost made sense if you were really high, Jamie. My big concern if Ukraine falls, where is Hunter going to get his next job?
LISSOW: By the way, that thing you just said makes sense to me. I’m very high.
LISSOW: There’s so much to dissect, the fight on the T.V. show.
LISSOW: And I’ll be honest with you, I feel for that guy, like I was on — I was just on your show the other day with Kellyanne Conway. I know what that’s like. And —
GUTFELD: She took you apart.
LISSOW: She did. Did you guys notice the interpreter in the corner of the video where they’re fighting? She’s just like, doesn’t know what to do. She’s politely sitting there. And I was like, I wish I knew sign language and I was the interpreter. I would have — I would have been — I would have been like. I would have been (INAUDIBLE) I did that video — the video of Biden. Obviously, you said it, it doesn’t age well.
LISSOW: At all. But then I was thinking, like, what does? You know what I mean? Like nothing age, Biden doesn’t age well.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
LISSOW: That didn’t age well. I looked up how old is Biden and just a tombstone came up. And that’s like really old.
GUTFELD: Yes, it is.
LISSOW: And but nothing ages well. And then I also thought in the article about Russia and the Ukraine, they call — they said, Russia went into Ukraine with peacekeeping forces.
LISSOW: I was like, I don’t know. But there’s language, man. That’s like my wife, when she came at me with those helping lawyers for the — for the divorce papers, and then I go to my friends, I go, you guys have lost all my money. And they go, don’t worry about it. You’re aging well.
GUTFELD: It’s so true. You really are. I’m amazed, Kat. So, watching the news today. It’s amazing — so the people that were experts on Afghanistan seven months ago, are now suddenly experts on Ukraine, and they pretend like they know — I will not pretend. But my wife was born in Ukraine. She grew up in Moscow. I have — this is the first time I’ve heard of any of those territories. I’m not going to go on Fox and pretend that I know what I’m talking about. Yet. Everybody does this. And they’re always wrong.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, I’m not an expert.
TIMPF: Right? If I had to lead troops into battle, I would probably accidentally invade the wrong country. But as a human, right? You know, as someone whose taxes pay for the war, as someone who has family in the military, as someone who’s married to someone who served in Afghanistan and I’ve had to see be very upset about what happened there. I am very bothered by people having this cavalier attitude of, oh, maybe another war.
TIMPF: Maybe another war. Like because the people that make those decisions and call for war, they’re not the people who — it affects the most.
GUTFELD: Right. Tyrus, how are you? Feeling pretty good?
TYRUS: Just so you know, you got two strikes.
GUTFELD: I know. I know. Did you enjoy your birthday?
TYRUS: I had a blast. Yes.
GUTFELD: That’s good. That’s good. Yes. There is a feeling I think that Biden might just be overmatched. And this was a guy who had like five decades of foreign policy experience or something. And then everybody is reminded that he never got anything right.
TYRUS: No. He might have fluffed his resume just to scooch. Now listen, I don’t — I barely got through geography.
TYRUS: But I know, hustle. So, he gets in to office. And the first thing that progressives do is they — and everything Trumpian.
TYRUS: And they cancelled one pipeline, which led to Russian pipeline that now supplies Europe with 35 percent of their gas. And they make a roughly a billion dollars a day. So, before Trump went out, they were economically strapped for cash.
TYRUS: So, you just gave somebody a billion dollars a day. And all of a sudden, they start buying more tanks and planes and missiles. And it never once occurred to you that maybe we should do something about that.
TYRUS: Now under President Trump, we were the police of the world, and we had an iron fist. And we had — we had a really big gun. And everyone was afraid of that big gun because the former president, he also liked big bombs. It had – you go bigger, you go home. That’s how we did it and the world paid attention. Biden got in and suddenly we became English policemen where we yell, stop. Or you all stop again. He’s going to invade. It’s the beginning of invasion. It’s kind of an invasion. It’s over. Stop.
GUTFELD: Yes. Well, he was supposed to make America better or what was the — what was his phrase? It was like — I can’t remember what it was now. Build Back Better. He was supposed to make the country better but he — when thinking about gas he reminds me of me how I treated my parents’ car when I got a driver’s license. He’s just running the country into the ground and then I didn’t know that you were supposed to put oil in a car.
And he forgot that we had to be energy and oil independent. Wow. Do you see how I wrap that up? That’s why I’m sitting here people. All right. Up next, justice stain for working moms get this big haired leader qualms.
GUTFELD: Is there really any hope for Justin Trudope? Canadians are feeling truly sorry, because their P.M. stinks like we got a week-old calamari. A single mother working a minimum wage job has been locked out of her bank account for illegally donating to the freedom convoy protesters. Parliament Member Mark Strahl shared that story on Twitter. He says, she hasn’t participated in the protest other than the donation.
Which was 100 percent legal at the time, although it wasn’t that weird Canadian money. If true, that’d be counter to what the Canadian government said would happen when they pass the Emergencies Act. That only active members of the truck convoy would see sanctions. That’s what happens when you have no bill of rights. And a prime minister with air like one of the Charlie’s Angels.
Now at this point, the Ottawa protests have been cleared. But for this boy band reject the damage might be done. A recent poll found that voter support for Canada’s Conservative Party has jumped 10 points over the last month. I haven’t seen — yes. I haven’t seen a jump that big since Michael Jordan saw a spider. It’s like a children’s joke. And we have Inspector Trudeau to thank for that. Luckily, one of my staff actually caught up with Trudeau earlier today.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: So yes, I’m Justin Trudeau. You may not recognize me without the black face. OK? The truckers were blockings Zambonis we desperately needed for hockey. So yes, I suspended freedom. But at least the protesters can’t honk their horns. Critics say I stole my ideas from China but we Canadians know that putting cheese and gravy on fries was our idea.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: He really nailed it. And he looks. He definitely has put on a lot of weight. I think that stress. Jamie, that’s stress from this convoy, he’s definitely showering a lot of protein. Is that what it’s called?
LISSOW: (INAUDIBLE) so scared.
GUTFELD: It sounds so sexual but it’s just gravy on French fries.
GUTFELD: Why is it, Jamie that left wingers are always accusing people of being fascist, but they’re actually better at it. They relish the authoritarian instincts.
LISSOW: I know — and like this. It’s funny when something like when the woman donated the $50.00, it’s funny how like it hits home. It’s hard to sometimes relate to like what exactly is going on. Driving of the bravery, it takes to stop your truck and lose all your money and stand up something you believe in. But when someone donate something like that, that’s totally legal. It’s just (BLEEP) it’s really infuriating.
LISSOW: It just kind of — I actually wrote down and say that and they’ll probably clap. Isn’t it hard to Canadians, I (INAUDIBLE) in Canada, I spent a lot of time in Canada, worked in Ottawa so many times at the Comedy Club. And it’s hard — this is hard to comprehend because they’re so freaking nice.
GUTFELD: Yes. They’re very nice people.
LISSOW: I saw Canadian get in a fight once. And this dude got punched in the face and he was like, oh, sorry, my face was there. That’s my bad. I shouldn’t — is your hand OK? I apologize. They’re just so — but they’re tough people.
LISSOW: Have you ever seen Canadian cigarettes?
LISSOW: On the back of a package of Canadian cigarettes, there’s a picture of like a disease that could happen to you.
LISSOW: If you smoke. There’s like a black lung or something. Canadians, they don’t — they don’t care.
LISSOW: They’re like, you want one of my cigarettes? They gave me like, no, I don’t smoke black lungs anymore. Switched over to exploding heart. That’s my brand, but at least thank goodness, the horses that are stopping people, they’re peacekeeping horses.
GUTFELD: Peacekeeping horses. Exactly. They went after our horses on the border down south, but those horses were OK. Tyrus, you know what, I decided to start, you know, this has worried me, that’s why no longer donate to charities. I don’t want my accounts frozen.
TYRUS: OK. You have to leave that you believe that he ever donated to charity?
TYRUS: Are you a plant? Did he put you in here? Are you from Ukraine? You know, it’s horrible it is to do something like that to a single mom who’s just getting by the fact that she was even able to donate $50.00 is a pretty selfless thing. So, think about that, Gutfeld.
TYRUS: But I know — but oftentimes in history, it’s the small people that make the change.
GUTFELD: Oh, thank you.
TYRUS: No. Yes, you are the very definition of small people. But in this case, no. But it will be this, her picture, her face. This is a Rosa Parks moment. That will unite a country.
GUTFELD: All right. Lara, I was constantly being told that this was like all the Canadians hated the truckers. How do they explain a 10-point increase among conservatives?
TRUMP: Yes, it’s rather shocking. Well, of course. I mean, you don’t — you think that the media is — it could possibly be fibbing to us, Greg, please.
GUTFELD: I know. I know.
TRUMP: You’re not telling us lies. Are they? Yes, right. Well, of course, what the reality is, this whole thing was peaceful. And I get it, they were blocking the road and people couldn’t get all the things they need. But this is the definition of a peaceful protest. And then to see what was done, I mean, to take away their money takeaway their fuel, come in and take them out with — I mean, it was kind of like Gestapo-like force that Justin Trudeau sent in there. Absolutely unbelievable.
He wouldn’t even bother to sit down with these truckers and hear them out and they weren’t just doing it for themselves. They were doing it for every Canadian, every American, every Australian every person, right?
GUTFELD: You know —
TRUMP: For the past few years, that has felt like our rights have been taken away. Well, guess what? People are paying attention. There’s a convoy going to Washington, D.C.
GUTFELD: Yes. You know —
TRUMP: Let’s see what they do.
GUTFELD: All right, Kat. This is where I’m going to be a hypocrite. I don’t want them to come to D.C.
GUTFELD: I don’t want them to — I don’t want my traffic what screwed up. I love it when it’s in Canada, but I don’t want — I got to get to work.
TIMPF: Well, this shouldn’t have to happen.
TIMPF: And it’s just, you know, the National — as far as I understand it, I don’t know a lot about Canada. I do know that it’s real.
GUTFELD: Yes. Good.
TIMPF: The National Emergency Powers is supposed to be for like national emergencies. This is not what happened here. Like I have done far worse things with $50.00.
GUTFELD: Believe me.
TIMPF: Sorry, Grandma. But I don’t think those were emergencies either. But who’s being protected? Not — it’s very hard to create a national emergency with $50.00.
TIMPF: Even if you’re talking about Canada.
TIMPF: These are just people who were like, I’d like to own my own body please. And he was like, well, guess what? No, I didn’t get to own your own money either.
TIMPF: It’s awful.
GUTFELD: That’s true because it is about — it’s about body autonomy. When you’re talking about the vaccines, and then they take your money (INAUDIBLE) what’s left? Right? Your body, your money. That’s all I have. Up next. Is Hillary fair game or his obsession to blame?
GUTFELD: All right, welcome back. So, apparently, apparently, a fake illness is the reason for covering the Clinton campaigns treason. Yes, CNN claims it’s a mental illness to make fun of her royal illness.
A new article on CNN.com claims Hillary Clinton derangement syndrome is behind people not liking her. Yes, it’s true. If you come into really close contact with Hillary, you have to sleep with an intern.
According to a legend comedian, Dean (INAUDIBLE), the symptoms of this persistent ailment include an unhealthy obsession with the former Secretary of State from spreading lies about her past actions to blaming her for events which has no connection, right.
The CNN dribble is designed to dismiss the new John Durham report, which alleges that Clinton campaign spied on Trump before and after he was president. According to this worn-out diagnosis, anyone who reported on this scandal suffers from HDS.
Of course, this condition could also go away if Hillary would, finally, wattle off into the sunset instead of sticking around like a latent case. Polio.
So, Kat, I resent this because it’s not like we want to talk about her. If she’s in the news, we got to do it.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, like we wouldn’t be talking about her if CNN did not publish this article.
TIMPF: It very much has the energy of when someone, you know, ever someone blowing up your phone telling you how much they never want to talk to you again?
TIMPF: You’re on your 17th paragraph is still going. Don’t, though. We had that conversation, Tyrus, we’ve had that conversation. I’m sick of talking about Hillary Clinton. But if she’s in the news, we got to talk about it because I work in the news.
GUTFELD: And also, Tyrus, Tyrus, when we talk about it, it’s funny and fun. We are not like — we’re not obsessed over anything. We’re just want to, we just want to make fun of people.
TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I mean, a little bit.
TYRUS: I mean, it’s just weird to me, because if you go away, no one says anything. And you stay away, no one says that. You come back, people go. Oh, why are you back? Why are you doing this? Go away. Nobody wants you. We don’t like you since Obama ran against you. You’re a bad person.
GUTFELD: That’s so true.
TYRUS: That’s not an obsession. That’s honesty.
TYRUS: It’s telling somebody.
GUTFELD: Yes. What kills me that this is CNN, Lara, who has actual diagnosed obsessive, obsessive compulsive disorder about your father-in- law?
LARA TRUMP, FORMER T.V. PRODUCER: They have Trump Derangement Syndrome. That’s the real one, by the way.
TRUMP: Trying to steal our diseases over here at CNN.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.
TRUMP: Well, I know this is a Texas group here, so y’all understand when I say bless their hearts over at CNN. But the good news is that if their viewership is any indication, the tens of people that actually read this article.
TRUMP: Would think that we’re all obsessed with Hillary, Hillary Clinton, but to Tyrus his point wasn’t it Hillary that came back out and had to read her supposed victory speech?
TRUMP: Crying on TV.
GUTFELD: That’s amazing.
TRUMP: No one on the right forced her to go do that. So, give us a break.
TYRUS: No one ask for it ever.
TYRUS: No one ever calls up the guy who loses and say, hey, you got your speech?
TRUMP: Thank you.
TYRUS: Can you read it to everybody?
GUTFELD: That’s a great idea. Do a book that’s an anthology of loser speeches, Jamie. I’m going to — I don’t have a question related to that, but —
JAMIE LISSOW, COMEDIAN: OK.
GUTFELD: But you know what’s interesting?
GUTFELD: Comparison between Trump derangement, and this Hillary’s arrangement. The Trump derangement is based on wanting to see more of him.
LISSOW: So true.
GUTFELD: And for her, it’s less.
LISSOW: So true. That’s literally the first thing I thought of when I was seeing this. And also, just in general, you — I hate to use like an old cliche, but opinions are like a-holes. You know, you shouldn’t put yours on the Internet, especially if it’s a bad one.
LISSOW: And —
GUTFELD: Yes. Is there a place where they do that?
TRUMP: No, as soon as possible.
GUTFELD: That is disgusting, Jamie.
LISSOW: I know —
GUTFELD: You’re working blue tonight. That’s an old phrase.
GUTFELD: All right. We’re going to go now before you say something even worse. Coming up, was she a meanie picking on guys who are teeny-weeny?
GUTFELD: All right, this is important, this is important. Do you deserve to be alive if you’re only five-foot-five? Yes, it’s time for —
ANNOUNCER: “THE WAR ON SHORT MEN.”
GUTFELD: Do her controversial views suggest no rights for Tom Cruise? Tanukana, a popular Japanese Professional Video Game Player was fired after he said that men under five-foot-seven don’t have human rights. It happened last week during a live stream which I’ve learned is not a word for peeing, and is one of the most well-known female gamers in the world. Tanukana caused quite a stir, especially among men who sit on several pillows in their gaming chairs.
She also added that short guys should consider bone lengthening surgery. Shortly afterwards, her contract with Cyclops Athletic Gaming was severed. There is debate over whether her statements were mistranslated, God, I hope not from the original Japanese because it — but in the past, he’s also said people with A-cup brats don’t have human rights either. Of course, that’s just obvious — a sexist would say. So, our short man shortchanged when it comes to basic rights? We go to our Height Correspondent Joe DeVito.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Greg, it’s unconscionable that men of my height had been treated as the low man on the totem pole. And I for one, I’m not going to stand for it. I will not stand for it on a box or even a stack of books of some type. And I appreciate that we’re raising expectations here on the “GUTFELD” show. And guys my size will not be mocked for our physical attributes. Back to you, Greg.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Tyrus, why do you hate short people?
TYRUS: Why do I hate short? It’s not that I hate you. It’s just — you’re just so annoying. You complain about everything. And you sanctimonious sons of bitches everything’s made for you. Who has a special chair up here? I do. Who has to order shoes? I do. Who can go on a roller coaster? You guys can’t. Every chair in here is for short man. They make it even smallest, your little feet don’t go like this. If there was ever a group, if there was ever a group, there’s absolutely no nothing to complain about, it would be little short men.
GUTFELD: All right, well Lara, your husband is six-foot-six, why do you hate short people?
TRUMP: Great question, actually a prerequisite for my husband was that he had to be taller than I was when I was wearing heels. And Eric Trump covers that. So, we’re all good there.
GUTFELD: I wear heels.
TRUMP: Look — well, we know, of course — the only way back for this woman at this point is does anybody remember Ski-low? I wish I was a little bit taller.
GUTFELD: Great song.
TRUMP: If they teamed up, they could come up with something together. And I think that maybe it would make amends of some sort.
GUTFELD: That would be beautiful. You know, Jamie, it is weird when a gamer judges your worth as a human being. This is someone who lives and breathes in their, in their own farts.
LISSOW: That’s true. Um, no, everybody. It’s not a secret. I’m all short. And I’m not only was offended but it was even more upsetting that I had to figure out using a calculator how many centimeters to eventually realize I should be offended. But I think we need to dig deeper into if this is Japanese translation issue or if it’s a gamer terminology issue because this is — that is a real thing. My son’s 13, he’s a gamer, the other day he was on a headset, and I heard him tell his friend like he was going buy weed, and meet him at a party. And I talked to my son turns out that just means to bought — to get ammo in the game. It has nothing to do with weed. So, he —
GUTFELD: That’s good.
LISSOW: — translated that over.
GUTFELD: You know, you’re a great dad. A great — you’re a great divorced dad. I look forward to seeing you weeping in a McDonald’s.
LISSOW: Can I say something really quick? It’s my son’s birthday. I wish him happy birthday to Miles, he’s my son.
GUTFELD: Excellent. A lot of birthdays here, Kat. I don’t think she should be fired. Shouldn’t she be doing volunteer work for short people, like 60 hours of getting things off top shelves? Like, just, just like hang out at a Walmart, and if he says he’s a short person, she has to go up and grab the thing.
TIMPF: Well, so the — I did a research. The average height of a man in Japan is five seven. So, what she was basically saying is that the average man doesn’t deserve rights, and I’ve never said that. I would ever but that’s because she plays video games for a living. Like you don’t get into that profession because you’re good at making friends. You’re don’t have the best social skills. You could see in her apology too. She said, I poorly express my love for tall people. Like, just stop. Say, I play video games for a living because I don’t know how to communicate effectively — not be fired.
GUTFELD: I think, I think she is a genius. I don’t know because I’ve never heard of her and now, I’m obsessed with her.
TYRUS: — because you’re five-eight.
GUTFELD: Yes, that’s right. That’s right. Thank you Tyrus,
TYRUS: You’re still small, S-M-ALL.
GUTFELD: Comedian, Joe Mackey, will perform.
GUTFELD: All right. I’m so excited. You have seen him as a regular on our show. And you’ve also seen him crouched in your closets. You know him, you love him, please welcome comedian, Joe Machi.
JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: Thank you. Hey, hey, thank you! Wow! Thank you. Wow! These days, it seems like if you say something that upsets people with power, they can, they can get you fired. They can even take away your bank account. Sometimes, I think free speeches is barely legal as Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend.
You’re right, you’re right. We should all feel bad for Leonardo DiCaprio, ha. That’s what I’m here for punching down. But I won’t let this crowd turned the roads of Dallas that are shut down by a few snowflakes. So, buckle up. What I don’t understand about cancel culture is to me, it seems like the movie “Avatar” really successful, but I don’t know anyone that likes it.
And I struggled with that jokes, I thought of another punch line that would be equally as apropos but would make a whole lot more people angry. cancel culture is a lot like President Biden, really successful, but I don’t know anyone that likes him.
Because millions of people love Obama, and millions of people love Trump, but even Biden’s closest advisors like it’s better if you don’t talk. That’s why he has less press conferences than Punxsutawney Phil. It’s like they don’t want you to think these days. A friend of mine said, you think that men are better than women at sports? And I said, well, a lot of time isn’t that obvious?
And she said, well, Ronda Rousey could beat you up. Why is it that every time there’s an example of a woman that can beat up a man, it’s Ronda Rousey? And why is it that every time there’s an example of a man that can be beat up by a woman, it’s Joe Machi? It’s like people think that skepticism is bad, but not me. I think it’s a great thing. That’s why I’m the first one out of every game of Simon Says I’ve ever played.
Like Simon says, Pat your head. I’m like, Simon said that? (BLEEP) that guy, I don’t ever listen to him. And everyone just goes around judging people off of one sentence with no context. And the worst part about that is that it feels pretty good. But if you judge people on one sense, with no context, doesn’t that make you kind of a crappy person? Even that, even that, little bit of judging felt amazing.
I feel good. I didn’t do anything to deserve that. Which makes judging kind of like drug. And you should use drugs responsibly, and you should judge responsibly. That’s why I judge people by signing up for prison pen pal programs, or I ask convicted murderers if they learning the lesson. I worry about being judged. I went to the doctor and I told him, I think, I sweat far more than most people. He ran some tests and he said, Joe, you have hyperhidrosis. So, if you’re embarrassed, just explain to people that you have a medical condition that causes you to sweat much more than others.
That was the solution. So, I’ve just been telling people I’m addicted to cocaine. I’m guilty of being sarcastic. That’s my big problem. My friend told me the other night that his girlfriend came over and they both got naked. And he said, I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination. So, I said a burglar broke in. And he said, oh my god, your bodies are disgusting. Thank you so much, everyone.
GUTFELD: Joe Machi, everyone.
GUTFELD: We are out of time. Thank you, Dallas. Joe Machi, Lara Trump, Jamie Lissow, Kat Timpf — “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld.
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