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This is a rush transcript from “Gutfeld!,” March 14, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Hello, we’re back. Lots of news went on while we were apart. Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian are still together. It’s the couple that makes me ask, would World War III be such a bad thing? But we’ve been off for a few weeks. And for good reason, this is a news channel and war is news. Actually, it’s breaking news. And it’s breaking all the time.
But you can’t spell breaking news without a break. And sometimes we do need a break. But first, let’s assess what we know.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
KAMALA HARRIS, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: So, Ukraine is a country in Europe. It exists next to another country called Russia. Russia is a bigger country. Russia is a powerful country. Russia decided to invade a smaller country called Ukraine. So basically, that’s wrong.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: You know, I love how she speaks to me. Like I have a head injury. Maybe I do. But it’s true. Russia invaded Ukraine. And like Joe Biden reading a children’s book, what assumed would take days is now nearly a month. And with every passing day, things just get more desperate. Meanwhile, my mother-in-law escaped from Ukraine to Poland. And no, she didn’t write out on her broom. She got out with a help of some very amazing people, which I’ll get into in a second.
But now my wife is out there and Warsaw trying to figure out a way for her mom to get home. Which means I’m all alone. But I’ve been trying to keep busy. You know, it’s been really tough. But I’ve managed to make some sympathetic friends. Look, I had to do something. Changing all the locks on the doors of the apartment only took about an hour. But in all seriousness, thanks to Fox, I was able to get my mother-in-law out of Kiev.
It’s a pretty amazing tale. They picked her up in a small village and drove for hours, days even and was able to get her out of danger in Poland. I believe they did this so I could use my new mother-in-law jokes. For example, my mother-in-law was stuck in Kiev and to pose the dilemma, get her out or blocker on Facebook. Yes. Dead silence. But seriously, my wife wanted me to send somebody in to get her, I would have but I have a one- star rating on Uber.
My mother-in-law was stuck in Kiev, and to be honest, I’m not crazy about her. So, after hours of arguing about it, we came to an agreement. If rescued, I’m back in her will. Wow. But enough. In all honesty she made it insane trek across the country and made it out alive, thanks to a hearty band of Fox News employees who didn’t even know her but off offered to help. I mean, who knew Dagen McDowell knew how to make Molotov cocktails out of hand sanitizer and a bottle of Purell?
And who knew Kat could drink those? Here’s my mother-in-law reunited with her daughter, my wife, Elena. I haven’t seen my wife that happy since I moved into the guest room. But I have Fox News’s Scott Wilder, Trey Yingst and Steve Harrigan among others to thank for this. So, it’s obvious. The war in Ukraine is an ugly, bloody thing. It’s also a war between competing narratives. Some are persuasive, but also confusing in this new fog of war.
It’s always two movies on one screen. Ukraine is fighting and winning, and Russia is about to crush them. You alternate between screens, often with the same visuals. They say truth is the first casualty of war, but it’s really perspective. And you start to find yourself moving from one stage of hopeful belief to one of cynicism. First, you’re naive. Did you hear about the Phantom of Ukraine shooting down jets?
Did you hear about the Ukrainian sailors refusing to surrender? Did you hear about Gutfeld’s mother-in-law killing her captors with a can of hairnet? Turns out a lot of these stories aren’t quite true, but are just meant to inspire. They serve a purpose but they turn you from a naive consumer of news to a pissed off cynic like me. Problem is that is bad. That’s as bad as being naive. Because for us, we want the truth.
But in an era of social media and the internet, fables traveled to the sun and back before the truth puts on its crocs. My gardener said that. So, all we can do is watch and listen and hope for the best and the best we could hope for that this (BLEEP) stupid horrible thing ends as soon as possible.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.
GUTFELD: Lert’s welcome tonight’s guests. He’s like my stovetop, so hot that I have to remind myself not to touch him. Co-anchor of America’s new newsroom, Bill Hemmer.
BILL HEMMER, FOX NEWS CHANNEL ANCHOR: It would be the new room too.
GUTFELD: The nude — how about the nude room? She’s got more southern charm than a leprechaun cooking grits. Fox Business anchor Dagen McDowell. She’s like a mop, a stick with fake hair that spent a lot of time in the arms of janitors. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. And when he springs forward, it causes an earthquake. My massive side kick and the NWA World Television Champion, Tyrus.
All right, Tyrus. I’m going to go to you first, even though I got the consummate newsman to my left, I’m going to go to you because you’re probably the only person here that we have heard — well, we haven’t heard anything. You’ve been —
TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I got out of town.
GUTFELD: You got out of town.
TYRUS: — low.
GUTFELD: So, I’m interested in your perspective. What you think as you watch this unfold on the television?
TYRUS: Well, first things first, I think we got to give credit words to Bill, Mr. Hemmer, you have been outstanding, phenomenal. And Greg, I hardly ever go on social media. But you have taken a tough stand, and you’ve got a lot of help for it. And I support you a thousand percent.
GUTFELD: Oh, thank you.
TYRUS: And it takes — it’s not an easy thing to do in times like this. You know, and every time you give a compliment like that, you have to go back and say what is going on Ukraine is horrible.
TYRUS: But what’s going on here is just is horrible in terms of what information is real and what is not. The American people and myself, we get confused because this administration hasn’t been straight with us on one thing and we’ve been hit with a lot of tough things. We had the pandemic, we have deal — we’re dealing with inflation. There was the — there was supposed influences in our elections.
There was all these things that were happening and we never get the straight and narrow from. They’re given Emmys to their own. And then we eventually find out six months later, that we were on the wrong side of everything. Now, I’m not acquainting that to what’s going on in Russia because Putin is what he is, and we all know what he is. But getting the information has been extremely difficult.
And I left it to the experts. I felt it was best to stay out of this fight. And that’s why people like yourself who stood up, I’m just proud of you.
GUTFELD: Oh, thank you. And you know, agree. I think Hemmer, you’ve been doing a smashing job with that giant board. The billboard as they’ve called it. And it makes me forget that you’re wearing the silliest shoe.
HEMMER: Oh, the worst.
GUTFELD: With the silliest — the silliest shoe laces. Those shoe laces cannot remain tied for more than five minutes. Maybe you like it that way, Bill. Maybe like the slip off. But I want to ask you something.
HEMMER: By the way, they were free.
GUTFELD: I know, you know.
HEMMER: That’s why —
TYRUS: And they match great. You don’t got to answer to him. Look what he’s wearing.
GUTFELD: I’m wearing Prada.
TYRUS: He usually wears velvet strap shoes, so don’t worry about it.
GUTFELD: OK. So, Bill.
GUTFELD: Tyrus brings up the point that I brought up earlier and he’s right. I got some serious (BLEEP) for it, but I was trying to address the fog of war. How do we know when we know that we’re being persuaded, where the media is now a persuasion device? How do we know — because like I feel like we’re going to go to war.
HEMMER: Yes. I’d say it’s persuasive times 20 now with social media.
HEMMER: I’ve seen that. It’s great to have you back, by the way.
GUTFELD: Thank you.
HEMMER: America missed you. I’d come over there and hug you, but they’d start talking.
GUTFELD: Well, you know what.
TYRUS: We’re already talking.
GUTFELD: I’d be whispering in your ear.
HEMMER: You know, I don’t know how to address all that. Maybe in time. That’d be a good moment to look back on it.
HEMMER: But I just think our leaders have thoroughly failed us in the world and all of this. This war did not have to happen.
HEMMER: And the people we have in charge have led us down. And they — leaders are supposed to lead you around humanitarian international disasters. They’re not supposed to lead you into them. And it’s such a crisis of leadership. Point number one. Point number two, I don’t think the western world tie truly understood the evilness of Vladimir Putin. I think in Ukraine, they probably did. But for us, Aleppo was a planet away.
HEMMER: Grozny, Chechnya was a planet away the refugees in Syria with the Southeastern Turkey. We have — we couldn’t even pronounce the name of the towns. But now the Ukrainians are going to Poland. And after Poland, they’re going to go to Germany, then it was Italy earlier today than it’ll be England, it’d be the United States. Well, these are all places that we as Americans associate with Europe, summer vacation, college education, et cetera.
It’s — we have an ability to relate to these people in a way that we could never during the misdeeds and dare I say evilness of Putin —
GUTFELD: Such a good point.
HEMMER: — for the past 20 years.
GUTFELD: When you mentioned Chechnya and things like that, it’s — for a lot of people that’s the first time they hear and I couldn’t explain that without first having to read Wikipedia. Because we — it was something that wasn’t part of our consciousness. It was not part of the world. But this you cannot — it’s there. I mean, we — you’re watching a ground war happening in Europe on T.V.
And yet you do feel that there’s this other layer going on. Kat, as a libertarian, you support all wars?
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: So glad to be back.
GUTFELD: We missed you, Kat. What’s your take on this? I’m dying to hear.
TIMPF: As you say, I’ve also not been on T.V. in 2-1/2 weeks.
TYRUS: Yes, yes.
TIMPF: So, it’s great to start with such this light hearted topic, which I am such an expert. But I — again, I think you just need to be so careful with this idea of do something, do something because a lot of times are doing something can sometimes make things worse, if you talk about something like a no-fly zone, where, you know, nuclear war, like a war between nuclear powers. A lot of people die in that situation.
TIMPF: I think that, you know, it is upsetting and it is awful everything we’re seeing, but we got to be really, really, really, really careful in terms of how you approach it and making things potentially worse.
GUTFELD: Yes. And also, with nuclear war the effect on climate change.
TIMPF: That’s the most important thing.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes, it is. I mean, aside from two or 300,000 —
TYRUS: — by the way.
GUTFELD: Yes. That was an amazing point to make. Dagen, what — I haven’t heard from you and I’ve been seeing you in since we went Dallas. Yes.
TYRUS: She’s been killing it on “THE FIVE.” She’s been killing it on “THE FIVE,” Greg.
DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS NETWORK ANCHOR: I literally hug you and said I love you.
TYRUS: She was at the same table with you as “THE FIVE.”
GUTFELD: Let’s just say that I have spent a lot of time alone.
GUTFELD: And no. Maybe I might have had a little too much wine. So, there’s a lot of memory. Just that a little foggy.
MCDOWELL: I hug you and said I love you.
MCDOWELL: I did.
GUTFELD: Oh, now I feel really bad.
TYRUS: As you should.
MCDOWELL: I did a lot of other stuff. So, you know, I remember that. I just thought you invited me on the program to discuss the use of steroids.
GUTFELD: Do you believe that? That baboon is taking steroids?
MCDOWELL: I have a deep knowledge throughout my history of men using steroids, it’s totally possible. He’s a little doughy kind of like post steroid.
TYRUS: You got to work out when you take the shot.
MCDOWELL: And I agree. Right. He looks like he’s not, you know, get in the gym and (INAUDIBLE)
TYRUS: Fifty percent doesn’t get it done.
MCDOWELL: I have — I have a lot — I don’t trust the media like there was a video of these two Ukrainian children who were cheered by their new school in Italy.
MCDOWELL: And I didn’t trust it. I like blue the image up now. That looks like Arkansas to me. There’s the anything that’s on the internet, I think – –
GUTFELD: I hope that’s real. Was that not real? It was Italy.
MCDOWELL: No, no. I’m —
GUTFELD: Yes. But it’s your own — your brain.
MCDOWELL: I’m like —
GUTFELD: That’s where I’m at. My brain —
MCDOWELL: That could be Kansas.
GUTFELD: Yes. My brain, I don’t trust anything.
GUTFELD: I think everything taught. What do you call it? A deep fake?
TYRUS: Well, in defense and to Bill’s point when we’re getting drunk in history by Kamala —
TYRUS: It’s a little difficult. You know, we are first world problems in this country seeing real problems and there’s a shock going on right now.
MCDOWELL: But what you can trust is you follow the money and you follow the oil and natural gas. And at the very beginning of Biden’s term, I said it’s a mistake to try and destroy our energy, prosperity and power because you see that two nations that hate us, like Vladimir Putin. Every incident of aggression by Putin, in the last 20 years is directly correlated to sky high oil prices.
MCDOWELL: So you send oil up, he invades Georgia, he annexes Crimea, and now this. But now what you’re saying, the energy is still flowing.
MCDOWELL: It’s going to Europe. It’s at the highest-level natural gas to Europe, as it has been throughout the war on Ukraine so far. China’s still buying it, the vast majority of it — of Russia’s oil exports are still hitting the market. Money’s flowing to the Kremlin. And you have a rapid realignment of world powers where China, Xi Jinping is getting invited to Saudi Arabia, and China is getting even closer to Russia because of Biden’s weakness.
GUTFELD: There you go.
HEMMER: Are we to think now that in all these summits with Biden, before that Trump, Obama, Bush, did Putin give a damn about cybersecurity? Do we think this now? All Putin cared about was Russian history.
HEMMER: And all he cared about was real estate.
HEMMER: Why didn’t we report on that?
GUTFELD: Old school.
HEMMER: I found this — they met in Geneva, it’s in June. Ukraine was mentioned one time and a summary recap of the entire summit. And that’s a disservice to the American people, to the Western world.
HEMMER: Now we know what Putin cared about.
GUTFELD: Right. Exactly.
HEMMER: We never got to that.
GUTFELD: Yes. All right. We’ve got a lot to get to. Up — that’s a transition. Ah. Up next, are liberals coming around now that Russian troops are on the ground?
GUTFELD: There we go. As the war in Ukraine scrambled the liberal brain, will Biden star fall even lower if he’s lost Bill Maher and Trevor Noah? Yes, pretty good, huh? True world leaders won’t take Biden’s calls as liberal comics finally grow some balls. Bill Maher close to show Friday with one simple question.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BILL MAHER, HOST, REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER: If Putin thought Trump was really that supportive of him, why didn’t he invade when Trump was in office? It’s at least worth asking that question if you’re not locked into one intransigent thought.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Hmm. Great question, Bill. Concerning a recent Harvard poll that was my porn stage name, show that 62 percent of voters think Putin would not have attacked if Trump were still around. Meanwhile, Daily Show host Trevor Noah offers a rant that leaves us wondering what the hell happened to him.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TREVOR NOAH, HOST, THE DAILY SHOW: Apparently, Saudi Arabia won’t even pick up the phone for the President of the United States.
It must have been really embarrassing for Biden, can you imagine? He phones them and they don’t pick up. But this would have never happened to Donald Trump. Never. No one was ever ignoring Donald Trump’s calls.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I think I just saw a pig fly. As for Biden, most Americans disapprove of his job performance. I wonder if he’s sick of this stuff.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I’m sick of this stuff. We have to talk about it because the American people think the reason for inflation is government spending more money. Simply not true.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Yes, it is. Oh, my God. Mr. President, what say you?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Hey, hey, hey. I’m serious, man. This is — this is no joke. Look, I’ve had it up to my thyroid. Pretty soon. I’m going to have it up to my occipital. All right? The deal is the American people, I don’t know where they get their ideas. The idea that printing money is leading to inflation? I mean, where’d they get that idea? Maybe the 1400 textbooks that have been written on the subject.
But look, it’s a lot simpler than that. Right? Just supply and demand. All right? We supply the narrative. And we demand you shut up and take it. Come on, man.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
HEMMER: Come on, man.
GUTFELD: You know, Bill, there’s a theory going around that the further you get from the Trump presidency, the better his era will look. And so, now it’s safe for a lot of these guys that just hated him now to go like, oh, they take his phone call. It’s like, yes, that’s the whole point. You got to have — you got to have somebody who kind of scares people.
HEMMER: Yes. The thing about Trump is that he was creative every day in office.
GUTFELD: Yes. Oh, absolutely.
HEMMER: I mean, creative. His mind was going.
HEMMER: Whether you agreed or disagreed, or whether you’re exhausted or whether you were healed by it. You know, I — what I think the administration lacks right now is creative thinkers. And the people around the President need to be giving him different ideas. Remember, Trump went to a G20 summit in Japan in June and when he was there, he called Kim Jong- un and said, you want to get together? I’m in the neighborhood.
HEMMER: And they met at the 39th parallel across the DMZ. And it wasn’t like six months of preparation. Hey, we’re going to have a summit. We’re going to do the deal that — it was like, the Saturday afternoon and we’re going to step across the line and you’re going to come back with me. And it was — it was easy stuff.
HEMMER: And when you see it happens, the world stops and go wow, that that wasn’t hard.
GUTFELD: It wasn’t and it removes this — remove this psychological obstacle which was Kim Jong-un was certain we were going to just work.
HEMMER: Without a creative mind, that would have never happened.
HEMMER: Give them credit for that.
GUTFELD: My theory on that, Dagen, is that the reason why there are no ideas is because the people around them believe that wokeism is an idea, but it just replaces thought. It’s like they’ve spent so much energy on being Twitter approved in there, you know, and being — like checking every tolerant box but they actually have no ideas.
MCDOWELL: So much time worrying about a threat that isn’t a threat and I’m talking about climate change when John Kerry himself said we could take our emissions to zero and it wouldn’t change the trajectory of global warming, but that’s what they were going to do anyway. There are actually plenty of minds in the White House. Joe Biden chooses to ignore him. Look what happened on Afghanistan. He was told not to do what he did.
But I just wanted to thank you for making me watch a 14-minute clip of Trevor Noah.
MCDOWELL: I would rather eat 14 possum sandwiches. Thank you for that.
TYRUS: Those are not good.
TYRUS: Even a little bit.
GUTFELD: Stringy meat, a lot of hair. You can’t get it out, Kat. Remember that time we went to that possum buffet?
TYRUS: I don’t remember.
TIMPF: I don’t.
GUTFELD: Do you — how do you feel about Biden understanding of where inflation comes from? If you create more money, the dollar is cheaper.
TIMPF: Yes. I think that you usually learned that like middle school, right? Like that’s when most people learn it. I — which also, he probably knows that. I don’t think he thinks of the things to say himself. I really don’t. So, it’s like whoever told him to say that he did a really good job of listening.
GUTFELD: Yes. There you go. Tyrus, what do you think?
TYRUS: I honestly think that my entire image of President Biden with this – – culmination of this is I’ve — I used to praise him for being the guy who had the guts to be the vice president to our first black president. Now I see him as an opportunist. That was a great spot for him to be into. It was — it — there was no — there was no downside to it. Anything’s wrong. It’s the brother’s fault. But I had time off in between fishing and lifting weights.
I did a lot of research and the one thing that really stuck out to me — well, it’s what you do. Hey, I am what I am. I am what I am. I am what I am.
GUTFELD: Do you ever get the fish and use —
TYRUS: You will not get me off topic because this is important to me.
TYRUS: Bill Hemmer is here, you will not embarrass him. So, Ukraine had an election.
TYRUS: That President — Vice President Biden at the time was put in charge of.
TIMPF: And him and his what is now the administration did a little bit of what you can only call with interference. Propaganda. They changed influenced the election, which really pissed off a crazy madman in Russia.
TYRUS: Then, lo and behold, his son gets kush jobs, there’s a lot of kickbacks, money’s being traced. So, there’s a little pattern between Ukraine and Biden. Biden gets into the White House. And that crazy psycho who no longer has a friendly government working with him anymore. You don’t think he’s going to do something? So, the answer, would he have done it under President Trump?
No, he wouldn’t have because he wasn’t — fear of President Trump putting NATO in his backyard, which was a red line for him which he just assumed and I’m just — put it out there, just assumed that was going to happen.
GUTFELD: Right. Yes.
TIMPF: And the other thing I like to say, President Trump, the one thing that I missed was one, and then we know this is true. He calls me the fine. He would stop the cade to get out and check gas prices at gas stations, and he would ask Secret Service to tell him how much was on the pump. Because that was important to him. He was proud of that. I miss having a president who was proud of things in America, not the opportunities that he has because that’s what he looks like now.
GUTFELD: Here we go. Up next, my favorite story, Jesse’s back and in prison.
JONATHAN HUNT, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CORRESPONDENT: This is a Fox News alert. I’m Jonathan Hunt in Ukraine. Talks between the Russian and Ukrainian sides are due to get underway again Tuesday. But ahead of those talks, Russia appears to be pursuing its scorched earth policy. This video is of (INAUDIBLE), a southern city and it shows many buildings reduced to complete rubble. We do not have any accurate count on the number of civilian casualties.
Also, in Mariupol we have video of Ukrainian forces destroying Russian tanks. The video shot from inside one of the units operating by the Ukrainians. In Kyiv, the bombardment keeps going — again apartments, buildings targeted, civilians among the casualties. I’m Jonathan Hunt in Lviv. Stay with Fox News for continuing coverage. Now back to the show.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: He went from empire to dumpster fire. Last week, alleged actor, Jussie Smollett, was sentenced to five months behind bars or staging a hate crime in 2019, to be found guilty on five counts of felony disorderly conduct, and one count of possessing a sandwich from Subway. Here’s some in depth psycho-analysis from the judge.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You have another side of you that is profoundly arrogant and self, selfish and narcissistic. That’s the only thing that can be concluded, and it’s so unfortunate. Your very name has become an advert for lying. And I cannot imagine what could be worse than that. You were actually throwing a national pity party for yourself — why would you do such thing?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: That’s a judge. I think the judge confused adverbs and synonyms. But we’ll move on. And the hair? Let’s, let’s talk about that. Moments later, Smollett proclaimed his innocence ranting that he wasn’t suicidal.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JUSSIE SMOLLETT, ACTOR: I am not suicidal. I am not suicidal. And I’m innocent. I could have said that I was guilty a long time ago.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: All right. That makes me think he’s got dirt on the Clintons. So, now, Smollett’s in the psych ward at a Chicago jail which is still safer than the streets. Meanwhile, he still has defenders who argue the punishment didn’t fit the crime since no one was injured after all, and they’re half right — his punishment doesn’t fit; it should have been much more harsh.
His greed and lust for fame made America’s race relations worse and at the worst possible time. But I guess in pretending to be a victim while smearing others as violent racist means jail time, then we need to lock up millions of Democrats. Perhaps, this punishment, they could just make Jussie watch this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SMOLLETT: She loves me tenderly. I got one well time, that’s good to me.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: We’ve lost such an immense talent, Dagen. How are you, how are you going to handle five months without that singing?
DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS NETWORK ANCHOR: Or the soliloquy that he clearly prepared because he was auditioning to stars himself in the T.V. movie that gets made about the case.
GUTFELD: Yes. Yes.
MCDOWELL: I can appreciate bad acting like no, why —
TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: That was great. How dare you.
MCDOWELL: But this puts Faye Dunaway to shame.
MCDOWELL: That was embarrassing.
GUTFELD: You know, Kat, I know that you were waiting for this as much as I was. What, are you excited? Are you excited that we finally saw closure?
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: I guess he’s not looking to be closure because he’s still lying, which is crazy. I feel like if he would have said, OK, yes, I made it up like that, you know, he could have at least done that. Because we already all know he made it up. And then he can get an endorsement deal from Subway.
GUTFELD: There you go.
TIMPF: They could call it the Jussie sandwich so good that you won’t let go of it even when you’re being beaten up in a homophobic, racist hate crime and he still had the sandwich.
GUTFELD: It’s so true —
BILL HEMMER, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: With mayonnaise.
GUTFELD: And you know what, it’s like — and it’s not like, it’s not like Subway hasn’t had such great luck with their spokespeople.
GUTFELD: You know —
GUTFELD: I mean, it’s like, it’s, it’s definitely a step up from the other incarcerated subway — Tyrus, I love, I was — I listened to the whole thing, but I’m not sure I’m a huge fan of a judge who does this kind of like bizarro commentary about you. Just give me the sense. Let me go to jail. Don’t tell me about my inner feelings.
TYRUS: Yes. See, that’s that white privilege thing coming up, thinking you could actually touch, talk to a judge that way. I just say, Uh huh. Thank you, Sir. I’m not going to say, yes.
But that was, you know, he wants a part of the movie too.
TYRUS: The black community, when it happened, we were stoically silent.
TYRUS: Because we knew he was lying. So, we were just like, I mean, kind of like O.J. — I mean, he’s acquitted, though, you can’t tell me different. But what we’re seeing as a result of this is goes back to that woke thing where they’re never wrong. They just keep piling on. And probably the most disgusting thing I had read and can’t believe it was even put out by an intelligent woman was that it was comparing him to Emmett Till.
TYRUS: So, in the spirit of trying to just say, OK, yes, both were hoaxes. But Emmett, was it in on it.
TYRUS: And he lost his life.
TYRUS: His mother took that and turned it into our civil rights movement. She would not let them bury him it. She made the world see his face. His death turned into something beautiful, and is one of the reasons why I’m sitting here today. So, shame on her for saying that. And the last thing is, y’all he isn’t done. That was a cliffhanger.
TYRUS: He is setting up a fake crime in jail towards him.
GUTFELD: You know it.
TYRUS: There’s going to be a noose in his cell at some point, and he’ll take a picture as they’re trying to get me in this room.
I’m out. Career’s back. I’m good. I don’t know who’s in his corner, but it is, he’s going to be a reality show.
GUTFELD: You know, it’s going to be two MAGA supporters in prison.
TYRUS: Oh, man. I feel like I’m talking a lot because I’ve been gone for two weeks. He said, he didn’t hurt nobody; she said he didn’t hurt him buddy. Do you know how many guys red hats got punched or attacked or treated terribly or called racist, because the result of that? People got hurt, they just didn’t get on Twitter afterwards about it.
GUTFELD: Yes, there you go. You know, Bill, this is, is this going to change the way we look at hate crime hoaxes or it never, we never, we never have the memory of the past hoax, you know, in our head when the, when the new one comes along?
HEMMER: Well, I was thinking, I mean, the news is pretty heavy. I guess we need to laugh and Jussie gave it to us. But Ty, what was the dead giveaway? Was it, was it Chicago downtown January 20 below MAGA country subway or 2:00 a.m.?
TYRUS: Two white men in the middle of Chicago in the wintertime with red hats on walking up on a brother in the middle.
HEMMER: So, it’s all of the above.
TYRUS: Yes, just not there. Now, maybe Tennessee on a hot summer night, maybe? But Chicago? No, you got to pick. I get it, it was maybe a tax write off to film it there. I don’t know. But that was the wrong place. Wrong time and when it’s cold people long fight.
HEMMER: And don’t write a check.
TIMPF: A personal check.
HEMMER: A personal check.
MCDOWELL: Women fight rain.
TYRUS: Well, you guys change — here yes you guys cheat, you guys —
TYRUS: Men have rules when we fight.
TYRUS: If we’re going to kick, we inform the other guy. We know karate.
TYRUS: You guys, gals do — it’s the worst.
GUTFELD: It’s never worked for me when I tell people I know karate.
TYRUS: Well, even if you kick them it’s going to be like right here.
GUTFELD: Oh, yes, that was a good joke.
TYRUS: Thanks —
GUTFELD: See, he pointed at his leg because I’m really short for the people at home.
TYRUS: He didn’t listen to the podcast.
GUTFELD: Shut up all of you. Come up, will Russia be scared by a vice president this unprepared?
GUTFELD: Is it possible to embarrass Kamala Harris? Yes, they asked about refugees and she replied with te-he-hes. While the world goes up at smoke, Kamala laughs when there isn’t a joke. V.P. is back after a tone-deaf comedy tour of Europe as chaos reigns in Ukraine. Yes, now that she solved the southern border crisis by making America so screwed up, migrants are heading back to Honduras. The White House center overseas. I wonder where she is?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
KAMALA HARRIS, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I’m here standing here on the northern flank, on the eastern flank talking about what we have in terms of the eastern flank and our NATO allies. And what is at stake at this very moment.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Kamala flanks for nothing. That clears it up like a fog machine. Anyway, she also thought Romania’s leader would have the answer to American gas prices.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: How long should we be bracing for? This really sort of historic inflation and some unprecedented gas prices?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Oh, I’ll take this one. Polish guy or you’re Romanian guy. I’ll take it. Kat, do you think that she is as bad in private as she is in public? Or is that even possible?
TIMPF: I think she’s — well, I think she’s probably really mean in private, but at least she’s herself.
TIMPF: I am concerned though, that she doesn’t know what a joke is.
GUTFELD: Yes, that’s possible.
TIMPF: She doesn’t, she’s laughing at offensive jokes. She’s laughing at not jokes.
GUTFELD: Yes. I’ve been accused of the same problem by the way. Hemmer.
GUTFELD: OK, what is she replacing? Like, what could they have done — like that, I always think of the, I think at the opportunity cost of sending Kamala over there and then telling her please don’t touch anything. Don’t touch into the faces don’t break anything.
HEMMER: I think the, I think the jet decision was preordained. That’s when they made the decision to go and they couldn’t pull it back. But they pulled the jet decision back. And maybe they go back on that again in a week or so. Yes. Look, I’m I don’t know much about diplomacy. But I know something about a certain message. Because when I was a kid, and I knew what my mom and dad meant when they said, All right. I don’t think that Vladimir Putin thought for a moment that she was talking tough.
HEMMER: Now, you look at the backup. What’s the backup?
GUTFELD: That is true. They don’t have a — they don’t have a deep bench?
HEMMER: Is President Biden going to go to Europe? And if he does, what sort of message does he deliver?
GUTFELD: Yes, yes, come on man.
HEMMER: How much of a difference?
GUTFELD: That’s real say?
HEMMER: At that moment.
HEMMER: Does it make? That was Hillary Clinton.
TYRUS: There you go.
GUTFELD: Tyrus, thoughts.
TYRUS: I wanted to get inside the mind. So, I did not prepare for this segment. So, I could just wing it. You know, because what it is, is what it is. And sometimes it’s not. Yes. When we try some times, we don’t, but we always do.
GUTFELD: No matter what, at the end of the day. We should do an entire segment like this.
TYRUS: And just a one on like to end when Sarah Palin, you’re off the hook.
GUTFELD: So is Dan Quayle. You know, Tyrus is right, you know, wherever you are, there you are. You have to be there. Because if you’re not there, why bother? Right?
MCDOWELL: Is that buckaroo bonsai. Wherever — yes, wherever you go, there you are.
GUTFELD: Peter Weller.
MCDOWELL: I’m an expert in faking it. So, I’m glad I’m on the program to weigh in on this up. I think that they sent her overseas and just said, just string a lot of words together, but don’t say anything, actually. And just keep smiling. So, it’s like, and the eagle to freedom lands like a pigeon in the hand. Eenie, meenie, miney, moe, my mama told me you better shop around. That’s just informative as anything —
TYRUS: That’s too well put together. it in there. No, they plan it. They gave her there was meetings, there was notes.
GUTFELD: But she — I mean, she, she nailed the intersectionality so she’s VP. You know? I think that should be a lesson for all of us. I’m identifying. I am identifying as a woman of color from now on. Up next, a played hide and go seek but their performance was Hide and Go week.
GUTFELD: Don’t wait up. This perp tried hiding in plain sight. And surprisingly, he did all right. Check this out, a news chopper gave viewers a peek of police that suck at hide seek. A local news helicopter, reporter Aren’t they all was screaming in frustration during a chase in L.A. as cops struggled to find the suspect. Take a look.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You can see it right there. The suspect trying to get into somebody’s property or still trying to hide, but doing a very, very poor job of it right there. LAPD coming to a stop. You know, come on guys. He’s right there. The officers running right by him. Going right by him —
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: That went on for hours. Literally.
HEMMER: Buddy, you know, that was like Bill Melugin at the border. I got 500 illegals over here. It’s a Tuesday.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes, it’s true. I don’t know. I mean, shouldn’t, shouldn’t the helicopter have a bullhorn, over there? Something like that?
MCDOWELL: It just needs Benny Hill music.
GUTFELD: Benny Music. And actually, we did have Benny Hill music to run by, but then you know, we decided man, why bother? Right. Tyrus?
GUTFELD: It’s going to — that would’ve cost us a lot of money to get that theme song.
GUTFELD: Yes, well, in my neighborhood, we call them ghetto birds. And they did have megaphones. Get on the ground. Put your hands over your head — like we — so again, this is the same guy you don’t want to go to the movie with because he’s going to talk to the whole damn movie. He thought the cops were sitting in the helicopter with him. And again, this goes back to Bill’s point in the first segment, that first world problems, Americans live in unrealistic. And this affectionate chubby criminal thought he was in a video game when he just had to duck down behind the car and no one could see him. He was bigger than the car he was hiding behind.
GUTFELD: Yes, but they walked by him twice —
TYRUS: Because they were shocked.
TYRUS: That can’t be him.
GUTFELD: Yes. Yes.
TIMPF: I think — yes.
TYRUS: If you watch the whole video, they’re like —
GUTFELD: Yes. Kat, we didn’t show the whole video here, but they — the police actually walked by him a number of times.
GUTFELD: And maybe it’s because he was, it was such a stupid hiding place.
TIMPF: Yes, I don’t think I could do any better.
GUTFELD: No, like if I would be a horrible cop, because I would never find the criminals and if I did find them, I’d probably think they were hot.
GUTFELD: You know what I was thinking? I was thinking in the reverse, that I was a, as a child I was always terrible at hide and seek because the, the anticipation and thrill made me want to pee. So, I find like a really good place to hide, like I once hid inside a tree trunk. But then when I realized that I had to, like I was so excited I had to pee. And then, I so — I ended up leaving the —
MCDOWELL: Who hasn’t peed inside a tree trunk?
GUTFELD: Thank you, Tyrus.
TYRUS: Sorry —
GUTFELD: You know, I don’t have a — Dagen, I don’t have enough red meat in this topic. How soon before that guy was out? The chase lasted longer than his incarceration.
GUTFELD: Yes. That’s all you’re going to give me?
MCDOWELL: No. I — my favorite part of the whole video was the screaming in the newsroom.
MCDOWELL: You could hear it in the audio, it’s like — I love it.
GUTFELD: Bill, did you ever do these things when coming up in the game?
HEMMER: Not that I’m getting right here.
GUTFELD: Well, I just want to see reverse chase where the cars are chasing helicopters. That would be kind of cool. I can dream, right?
TIMPF: Press rewind. You can, you can probably do that.
GUTFELD: I think I could, couldn’t I? All right. Shut up. We’ll be right back.
GUTFELD: Thanks to Bill Hemmer, Dagen McDowell, Kat Timpf, and Tyrus. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.
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